How Are You?

I am feeling.... I, myself do not know.

Depressed? Insecure? Perhaps.

Lately, I have been battling with my self-worth. I feel like I am no one. I feel like I am who I am because of what others tell me.

I.DO.NOT.KNOW.WHO.I.AM.

What is wrong with me? Why am I undergoing identity crisis at the age of 18? I thought it is just for the adolescent stage? (For the record, I am not lesbian. My classmate thought I was gay/lesbian inside. Ha ha. She did not understand my sentiments.)


This depression branched into different issues within me. I wanted to break every mirror that I see. I did not want to look at myself for I hated myself- inside and out. I would often times cry myself to sleep.


So there. I tried to withdraw from everything- from people especially. I wanted to know who I really am without the outside forces influencing me what to do and where to go.

.......................

I deactivated my Facebook account, I did not use my Yahoo! Messenger and I did not load up for quite some time. Then one day, my friend went to my school. I actually did not want to reply to his message, go where he is or even say hi but I did. Weird. He told me that he will be having a photo shoot there and I was glad that I was able to help him in very little ways. He is one of my closest friends. We do not talk that often but whenever we have a chance to talk, there is and will always be a deep conversation.
"Soooo. Kamusta ka naman?" (How are you?)
He asked me. I honestly did not know where to start. I was also thinking, "Would he even bother listening?" and I was thinking that he might think that I am very dramatic. Different things were running through my head when he asked me that question. Crazy? Yes I was. Maybe I forgot at that moment that he is my friend. I just answered,
"Okay lang." (I'm okay)
I tried to fake a smile. I tried to portray that I was okay because I did not want the hassle of explaining to others how I am. I did not expect his reply. "Nahh, hindi ka okay." (No, you're not okay.) And then I got back into my senses. He knows me. Words slowly came out from my mouth and I was able to tell him my what was really going on with my life. He did not bother tell me any piece of advice. Few nods, "hmm", "gets" and "okay" were his replies. Those were enough. Maybe it is pride, but I really hate it when people bombard me with different advices as if I do not know those things. Listening ears were just what I needed.

A week after.. I got the chance to talk with another friend. She posted the same question.
"How are you?"

Since she is a woman, I felt more comfortable sharing my current state to her. Also, I know that she had experienced what I am experiencing. We used to be on the same page. I cried. And yes, it felt so good. Sometimes, my pride cannot hold my tears that even though how much I wanted to be strong, my tears would betray me and fall freely from my eyes. She knows how much I am hurting. She knows the feeling. Then she asked me..
"What is GOD telling you?"
"I don't know. I don't know if I can't hear Him or maybe it is just me closing my ears." 

She got her Bible and opened it to Psalm 139. I know that chapter by head but I humbled myself, took time to listen and opened my mind. She read the it using the New Living Translation version.

"Feeling alone? Rejected? Friends leaving you every now and then? GOD is your bestfriend. He alone should be enough. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU.", she said in a very strong but gentle way. Then she slowly read the passage.


Psalm 139
For the choir director: A psalm of David.

 1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
      and know everything about me.
 2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
      You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
 3 You see me when I travel
      and when I rest at home.
      You know everything I do.
 4 You know what I am going to say
      even before I say it, Lord.
 5 You go before me and follow me.
      You place your hand of blessing on my head.
 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
      too great for me to understand!
 7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
      I can never get away from your presence!
 8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
      if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
 9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
      if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
 10 even there your hand will guide me,
      and your strength will support me.
 11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
      and the light around me to become night—
    12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
   To you the night shines as bright as day.
      Darkness and light are the same to you.


I am still struggling with my looks. I even got to the extent of desiring to have
annorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa. It was in PE class that I discovered that
I gained 5 kgs. I last checked my weight when I was in 4th yr highschool and I
gained 5 kgs. in a span of 3 years! My height did not change; thus, no matter how
long it took and even though it is still normal in BMI calculation, I still gained 5 kgs.
I was devastated. If only I could not eat forever.

And the next verses are very cliche' but this always speaks to me.

 13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
      and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
 15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
      as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
 16 You saw me before I was born.
      Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
   Every moment was laid out
      before a single day had passed.



She prayed for me. I was crying. Then she hugged me and it was just very comforting. She's like my big sister.

I am in the process of healing. I am still figuring things out. I am evaluating myself.
...but things are better now. I broke down the wall that hinders me from my relationship with God.

God is simply amazing. :) that even though how much I run away from Him, He is always there to welcome me back home- with open arms.

I am holding on to Him. :') I thankful for these people that He planned for me to meet. In my mind it was just a coincidence and/or an accident but for Him, He really organized those meetings.

Sooo.. How are you?

<3 Sarah

* The chapter is from Biblegateway.com

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